Rest In Peace Dear Friend: Common Sense Is Dead

An Obituary printed in the newspaper…

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense , who has been with us for many years. 

No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. 
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: 

  • Knowing when to come in out of the rain; 
  • Why the early bird gets the worm; 
  • Life isn’t always fair; and
  • Maybe it was my fault. 

 
Common Sense 
lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
  
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.

Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. 
  
Common Sense 
lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. 
  
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. 
  
Common Sense 
lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. 
  
Common Sense 
took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. 
  
Common Sense 
finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. 
  
Common Sense 
was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason. 
 
He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; 

  • I Know My Rights 
  • I Want It Now 
  • Someone Else Is To Blame 
  • I’m A Victim 

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. 

If you still remember him, pass this on. 

If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Warning: Retired Husbands Are Hazardous

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
the department store.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get
in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves
to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local department store:

Dear Mrs. Cooper,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are
listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to
leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that
in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION - WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children
shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from
the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and
screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked
the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by
using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed
a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then
yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the
clerks passed out.

If you don’t send this to 12 of your dearest friends, you will be depriving
them of some good humor.

Is Your Parrot Important To You?

At dawn the telephone rings, ‘Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.’
 
'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'
 
'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead'
 
'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'
 
'Si, Senor, that's the one.'
 
'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?’

'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'
 
'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'
 
'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'

'Dead horse? What dead horse?'

'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'
 
'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'
 
'Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'
 
'Are you insane?? What water cart?'
 
'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'
 
'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??'
 
'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'
 
'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?? !!’

'Yes, Senor Rod.'
 
'But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?'
 
'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'
 
'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'
 
'Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new pro titanium golf club.’
  
SILENCE … … .… LONG SILENCE …… ….
 
'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!!'

Eat Bananas (and more)

After reading this, you’ll never look at a banana in the same way again.., but never put your banana in the refrigerator!!!

Energy: Research has proven that just two bananas provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute workout. No wonder the banana is the number one fruit with the world’s leading athletes. 

Bananas contain three natural sugars - sucrose, fructose and glucose combined with fibre. A banana gives an instant, sustained and substantial boost of energy. 

But energy isn’t the only way a banana can help us keep fit. It can also help overcome or prevent a substantial number of illnesses and conditions, making it a must to add to our daily diet.

Depression: According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND amongst people suffering from depression, many felt much better after eating a banana. This is because bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the body converts into serotonin, known to make you relax, improve your mood and generally make you feel happier. 

PMS: Forget the pills - eat a banana. The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood glucose levels, which can affect your mood. 

Anemia: High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of hemoglobin in the blood and so helps in cases of anemia. 

Blood Pressure: This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making it perfect to beat blood pressure. So much so, the US Food and Drug Administration has just allowed the banana industry to make official claims for the fruit’s ability to reduce the risk of blood pressure and stroke.

Brain Power: 200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex) school in England were helped through their exams this year by eating bananas at breakfast, break, and lunch in a bid to boost their brain power. Research has shown that the potassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making pupils more alert. 

Constipation: High in fiber, including bananas in the diet can help restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives. 

Hangovers: One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover is to make a banana milkshake, sweetened with honey. The banana calms the stomach and, with the help of the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system. 

Heartburn: Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so if you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief.

Morning Sickness: Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood sugar levels up and avoid morning sickness 

Mosquito bites: Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the affected area with the inside of a banana skin. Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing swelling and irritation. 

Nerves: Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous system.

Overweight and at work? Studies at the  Institute of  Psychology in  Austria found pressure at work leads to gorging on comfort food like chocolate and chips… Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers found the most obese were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The report concluded that, to avoid panic-induced food cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levels by snacking on high carbohydrate foods every two hours to keep levels steady.. 

Ulcers: The banana is used as the dietary food against intestinal disorders because of its soft texture and smoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eaten without distress in over-chronicler cases. It also neutralizes over-acidity and reduces irritation by coating the lining of the stomach. 

Temperature control: Many other cultures see bananas as a “cooling” fruit that can lower both the physical and emotional temperature of expectant mothers. In  Thailand , for example, pregnant women eat bananas to ensure their baby is born with a cool temperature.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD): Bananas can help SAD sufferers because they contain the natural mood enhancer tryptophan.. 

Smoking & Tobacco Use: Bananas can also help people trying to give up smoking. The B6, B12 they contain, as well as the potassium and magnesium found in them, help the body recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal. 

Stress: Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps normalize the heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain and regulates your body’s water balance.. When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises, thereby reducing our potassium levels. These can be rebalanced with the help of a high-potassium banana snack. 

Strokes: According to research in The New England Journal of Medicine, eating bananas as part of a regular diet can cut the risk of death by strokes by as much as 40%! 

Warts: Those keen on natural alternatives swear that if you want to kill off a wart, take a piece of banana skin and place it on the wart, with the yellow side out. Carefully hold the skin in place with a plaster or surgical tape!

So, a banana really is a natural remedy for many ills. When you compare it to an apple, it has four times the protein, twice the carbohydrate, three times the phosphorus, five times the vitamin A and iron, and twice the other vitamins and minerals. It is also rich in potassium and is one of the best value foods around. So maybe its time to change that well-known phrase so that we say, “A banana a day keeps the doctor away!” 

PASS IT ON TO YOUR FRIENDS

PS: Bananas must be the reason monkeys are so happy all the time! I will add one here; want a quick shine on our shoes?? Take the INSIDE of the banana skin, and rub directly on the shoe…polish with dry cloth. Amazing fruit !!!  

Drink Water

About 90% of heart attacks occur early in the morning and it can be minimized if one takes a glass or two of water (NOT grog or beer) before retiring in the evening.

I knew water is important but I never knew about the special times to drink it.

Drinking water at the correct time maximizes its effectiveness on the Human body

  • 1 glasses of water after waking up - helps activate internal organs
  • 1 glass of water at least 30 minutes before a meal - helps digestion
  • 1 glass of water before taking a bath - helps lower blood pressure
  • 1 glass of water before going to bed - avoids stroke or heart attack

Remember drink water before bedtime, a good 30 minutes before ideally.